When it comes to talking to your kids about sex and raising a sexually healthy child, it all starts with teaching them about sexual values. This is the foundation and most essential aspect of raising sexually healthy children. Because without knowing what our sexual values are, we cannot intentionally choose to engage in experiences that honor and exemplify said values and enrich our well-being. In this post, we’re going to examine what sexual values are, explore how they impact behavior, and review the fundamental role they play in raising sexually healthy children.

What are sexual values? 

Before we dive into the topic of sexual values, I want to stress that no matter your beliefs, ideology, or worldview, we ALL hold very specific sexual values and we ALL need to take time to understand our personal values as we start to talk to our kids about sex. 

With that in mind, let’s get to the basics and examine the definition of sexual values. Sexual values can be defined as “The personal beliefs and principles defining what is right for a person sexually.” Essentially, sexual values are the standards of sexual behaviors, feelings, and thoughts a person views as good and right.

“Sexual values are the standards of sexual behaviors, feelings, and thoughts a person views as good and right.“

Examples of Sexual Values

And because I find the concept of values quite confusing, here are a few examples of sexual values a person may hold:

• Sex is a deeply personal experience and meant for true connection that should only happen between two people who care deeply for each other.
  
  
• Each person should be the expert of their own body and know how it works, what it looks like, and how it feels.
  
  
• Equality and reciprocity are fundamental and MUST be present for healthy and enriching sexual experiences to take place.
  
  
• Sexuality is a core aspect of a person’s identity and should be focused on and intentionally nurtured throughout their life.
  
  

Our sexual values dictate our behaviors, feelings, and thoughts. 

In looking at these examples, we can see that our sexual values inform and influence our behaviors, feelings, and thoughts relating to all elements of sexual health. To clarify…

• Behaviors refer to a person’s actions.
  
  
• Feelings refer to a person’s emotional state.
  
  
• Thoughts are a person’s internal ideas or opinions; the language a person uses to process a feeling or experience.
  
  

To better understand the role sexual values play in nurturing sexual health, let’s look at the potential behaviors, feelings, and thoughts a person may have when they hold a specific sexual value. For this example, let’s say a person holds the sexual value that “sex is a deeply personal experience and meant for true connection that should only happen between two people who care deeply for each other.” Here are a few possible feelings, thoughts, and behaviors a person may experience…

• Behaviors – They choose not to engage in casual sexual experiences with people they do not know deeply. 
  
  
• Feelings – If they choose to have sex with someone who does not deeply know and care for them or vice versa, they may feel guilty, upset, and/or disappointed.
  
  
• Thoughts – As they choose whether or not to engage in sexual activity, they may have an internal conversation weighing if the level of potential physical intimacy matches the existing level of emotional intimacy.
  
  

Sexual values are the why behind the sexual rules and dos and don’ts we live by.

When examining the concept of sexual values, it’s important to understand that sexual values are the why behind the sexual rules and dos and don’ts we live by. For example, having a rule of not engaging in casual sex isn’t a sexual value. It’s a sexual rule meant to uphold a sexual value. In this example, the sexual value could be, “Sex is a deeply personal experience and meant for true connection that should only happen between two people who care deeply for each other.”


Understanding the difference between sexual values and sexual rules is critical when it comes to raising sexually healthy children. Because as I mentioned in my last post, people don’t nurture sexual health by following a set of rules forced upon them. People enrich their sexual health when they have the knowledge and skills to intentionally make decisions that deeply connect to, exemplify, and honor their values, needs, wants, and boundaries.

Teaching sexual values is the foundation of raising sexually healthy children. 

The fact that our sexual values so profoundly inform our behaviors, feelings, and thoughts about all things related to sexual health, is why we must intentionally teach our children about sexual values. This the foundation and most essential aspect of raising sexually healthy children. The reality is that without knowing what their sexual values are, our kids cannot intentionally choose to engage in experiences that honor and exemplify their values and enrich their well-being.

Before you teach your children about sexual values, you have to define your sexual values.

So how do we teach our kids about sexual values? Well, before we can teach kids about sexual values, we have to stop and understand what our sexual values are. More specifically, we need to know what our sexual values are in relation to the specific sexual topics we want to discuss with our kids (I.e. consent, pornography, sexual partners, masturbation, contraceptives, etc.).

I say this not to overwhelm you. Rather, to help you understand that if you want to talk to your kids about sex with confidence, clarity, and purpose it’s doesn’t just happen on a whim. Also, I want to be real. Uncovering your sexual values is no easy task. This is especially true, if like me, you were raised with very specific sexual values ingrained in you that you either 1) no longer completely agree with and/or 2) don’t even realize that you hold. It takes preparation and requires you to do some inner work to define your values. This is why I recommend taking some time to really think about what you view as sexually wrong or right and to define the sexual values leading your life.

Need help defining your sexual values?

Inside the Reimagining The Talk parent sex ed course, I help parents uncover their sexual values with a signature step-by-step process. The six-step process guides parents as they work to understand their sexual values and define what exactly it is they want to teach their kids.

After knowing what your values are you can start teaching your kids both about the general concept of sexual values and in terms of specific sexual values you want to impart upon them.

Three Tips for Teaching Your Kids About Sexual Values

Here are three tips you can put into pratice as you work to teach your kids about sexual values.

Tip #1: Start by talking about general (non sexual) values whenever and where ever you can

From birth on, kids are (directly and indirectly) learning about the values that guide our life. Whenever and where ever you can, explicitly talk about values and how they inform all of our behaviors, feelings, and thoughts (not just in terms of sexual health). The more kids can understand values in general, the more they will be ready to explore the concept of sexual values as they get older.

Tip #2: Don’t just set a rule, take time to actually explain the sexual value

Be intentional in explaining the why (a.k.a. the sexual value) beneath the rules and dos and don’ts you set for your kids. When setting rules/guidelines for kids take time to explain (in age-appropriate language) the sexual value informing the behavioral expectation.

Tip #3: Give your kids space to define their own rules and standards of what’s wrong and right

The thing about values is that they are deeply personal and each person holds their own unique set of values. This means our kids need to learn how to define and understand their own values. I want to be clear, I am not recommending just let your kid do whatever they want. Rather, I am saying to be a guide and support for kids as they grow into autonomous beings.

If kids don’t learn about sexual values and understand their own, they can’t grow into critical thinkers who intentionally make healthy sexual decisions.

Let me leave you with this, if kids don’t learn about sexual values and understand their own, they can’t grow into critical thinkers who intentionally make healthy sexual decisions. I know it sounds a bit extreme. But if all you’re doing is following (or breaking) rules and you aren’t aware of what your values are, it is nearly impossible to actively choose to engage in an enriching experience. Because how can you make choices that honor and exemplify your values, if you don’t know what your values are or if you’ve just adopted someone else’s values?

“How can you make choices that honor and exemplify your values, if you don’t know what your values are or if you’ve just adopted someone else’s values?“

Are you for a parent sex ed course focused on YOUR values and the values you want to share with your children? If the answer is yes, check out the Reimagining The Talk course. This self-paced course guides you through conversations with your kids about all of the most relevant sexual health topics (conset, pornography, masturbation, reproduction, puberty, and more!). All while keeping your values at the center.